June 2007 Archive

Well actually it’s ads and my mom.

I talk to my mother every morning on my way to work. It’s the only time I have to call her and it’s a nice way to pass the time on the commute. We mostly talk about what I am doing at the very moment we are talking. A few weeks ago I told my mother I needed to get a coffee before work and my mother suggested I get a McDonald’s coffee. She said, “I heard they were good!”

After the phone conversation I thought about what she said. “I heard they were good!” And I came up with this conclusion. My mother heard they were good on a commercial.

I am sure McDonald’s coffee is great, but I know my mother’s friends aren’t talking about. I know they aren’t because in the town where I am from they don’t get coffee at McDonald’s or Starbucks. Why? We don’t have them. It’s a small town with more gravel roads than paved, or at least equal amounts. The brew their coffee at home, or maybe stop and get a refill at The Truck stop. Yes you read it, “The Truck stop.”

My theory is that my mother, while in her home office or maybe while making dinner, had the television on in the background and a commercial seeped into her subconscious. She often has the TV on while she does booking, and it’s a good background noise for an empty house.

Maybe someone told her the coffee was good. But I have known her to repeat taglines of commercials for products she has never used when asked an opinion on which fabric softener is best for babies skin. And it’s not just her. We all do it. Because when was the last time you saw 5 dentist and 4 of them recommended a certain toothpaste?

Commercials work! They seep into our brain without our permissions, unless you have TiVo.

My point is we who work on the web need to take note of 50 years or so of advertising. We need to figure out slick ways to insert our messages. Now do I have the answers? Maybe, but it’s really just something I think about and you should too.

If I’m going to send a greeting to a friend, it will not be in the format a real live USPS delivered Hallmark but, like so many of us, I’ll send an e-card. This because I’m lazy and impatient and wish to avoid the pain of going to a drugstore days in advance of the occasion I’m trying to commemorate.

Getting there is just the beginning: At the drugstore, I’ll have to take time to select a card combining the most sincere message with the most heartfelt imagery of, say, beautiful flowers (slightly obscured by that top sheath layer on the card!) or two old wrinkly friends hugging.

Once selected, I’ve still got to find postage. Why should I buy a whole book’s worth if I know I’ve got loose stamps floating around in a grab bag kitchen drawer somewhere?

I’ll probably find a dried-out pen in that same drawer and use it to add my personalized message to the bottom of the greeting card. I’ll blot out the 2-3 errors I’ll undoubtedly make because my hand now trembles when I have to communicate ‘old-fashioned style’ (pen on paper) for longer than a few seconds, and as a result, end up disgusted with the ugly mess I’m sending out into the world with my name on it.

And let’s be honest: we all appreciate the fact that the USPS delivers mail to and from locations throughout the country, but it’s still me who has to deliver this piece of mail into a mailbox. Forget it. I’ll send an e-card instead and feel great about the 30 seconds I’m committing to letting a friend know I’m thinking of them during their special time.

As a fair warning, if you’re thinking of sending me an e-card, you should know that I rarely even click on the ‘View your e-card!’ hyperlink, and, if I do, I hope to God I can skip through the animation to read the personalized message at the end.

For me the act of receiving e-cards proves a consistent disappointment. Why? The whole process fails to ignite that certain psychological thrill that, from a very young age, has always accompanied the receipt of real mail delivered to me on my special occasions… There’s just NO way a check can be folded up inside one of those e-cards.

I spend an increasing amount of time "connecting" with people via my computer and BlackBerry. I’m not just talking emails. I’m talking texts, IMs, wall posts, Facebook and MySpace messages, pokes, "news" feeds, and of course the constant monitoring of Facebook and MySpace pages. It’s almost as if the less I actually talk to people, the more time I have to gather everything I need to know about them.

For this reason, Justin.tv comes just in time. In the same vein as the classic Internet institution JenniCam, and in the long-awaited true realization of the McConaughey/Elfman cinematic masterpiece EDtv, Justin.tv gives viewers a 24-hour streaming video and audio glimpse into the life of 23-year-old Justin Kan, a Yale graduate living in San Francisco. With a camera and mic strapped somewhat conspicuously to his head, Justin lives the normal life of a 23-year-old – going on dates, hanging around the city (at pre-announced locations) and trying to get this whole head-cam idea up and running. The camera goes everywhere and hears everything, even in the bathroom.

Sound a little too intrusive? Of course it does. Going to stop watching once you tune into something interesting? Of course you won’t. If I see that Justin’s got a date tomorrow at 8pm and I happen to be surfing the net at that time, I’m going to tune in. There’s something inherently appealing about glimpsing someone else’s personal life. I wouldn’t consider myself a full-on stalker, but in this day and age, there really is a little stalker in everybody. Look no further than the popularity of reality TV. And who hasn’t at least Googled someone’s name to gather a back story? (Please tell me I’m not alone on that one.)

And so now this is the next step. It’s already becoming somewhat boring to merely scan someone’s list of interests and a few random photos from "the best night ever omg!!!" In an Internet world increasingly filled with video content, it’s high time social networking jumped on the bandwagon. It looks like Justin Kan is making that jump. Now let the marketing dollars flow.

I wish I could simply write a formula in this entry that would give EVERYONE the best kept secret of viral video success.

Something like:

1. Start with a random wild animal (funny looking ones, if available)
2. Add a teaspoon of personal human embarrassment (does someone walk into a wall or fall over? Perfect!)
3. Season with pop culture references (the more recent and recognizable, the better)
4. Mix together with a slightly racy, though still appropriate double entendre (Not TOO blatant, or you’ll offend, instead of entertain)
5. Add a song parody and a reference to Saturday Night Live to flavor (The older the cast, the funnier it is)

Of course, this is not how viral works. In fact, we don’t really know how viral works.

Look at the recent crop of viral successes:

• Alanis Morisette’s slower version of "My Humps", which has over 7 million views to date
• Justin Timberlake’s SNL music video, which I probably shouldn’t link from here
• The Diet Coke and Mentos Experiment, which inspired hundreds of imitations
• VH1′s Acceptable.TV, a site which takes YOUR viral videos, and then airs them on TV

These are just a few, and I’m sure you’ve seen many others.

My point is that there is little similarity between these viral victors. And you never know how successful yours will be until it’s out there.

So how do you make an award-winning viral video? Try this!

1. Rent a baboon from the zoo,
2. Have it kick you in the crotch,
3. Pull out a picture of Simon Cowell,
4. Yell "That’s my spicy meat-a-balls!" and then
5. Sing Adam Sandler’s Hannukah Song.

If that doesn’t work, just keep on trying, I guess.

Keep On Clickin’,
JR

Clive Thompson penned a great article on video game cheating this week on Wired.com. If you’re a gamer, it’s definitely worth checking out.

This entry is about a different kind of cheating.

Last week I published a short story on Gather.com, entering into a competition sponsored by Borders and author Mitch Albom. The competition worked as follows:

1. Post your story
2. The Gather.com community votes on your story
3. Mr. Albom picks a winner from the 10 most popular stories

I sent everyone I knew to sign up at Gather.com and give my story the highest possible rating.

Is this cheating? I don’t think so.

Why not? Because this contest, while good-natured and promoting good writing, is still being executed for publicity.

The publicity works as thus:

• Gather.com wants more members in their community.
• Mitch wants to sell more books.
• Borders wants everyone to buy Mitch’s books at their stores.

So, by sending every aunt, uncle and pizza guy to Gather.com, I’m doing exactly what Gather.com wants. (And I have already sent more than 30 new users to the site.)

Anyway, my story was riding high this weekend with a 9.3 out of 10, in THIRD PLACE among all contestants.

This morning I was down to 7.7, knocked WAY out of the ranking.

I looked at the total number of votes and saw that only 2 more had been made since I last checked. This means 2 people came by and gave me a 1 out of 10, each.

Is this cheating? You bet.

Why? Because, even if you don’t like my piece, I know it’s undeserving of a 1 out of 10. Maybe a 6 or 7, but not a 1. 1 is a vote you give to an off-subject piece, or a blank webpage.

Now the story I had so much faith in might never make it before Mitch’s eyes. All because of some nasty cheaters who gave me a big fat vote-bomb.

Keep On Clickin’, JR